Paul Merson: “Conor Gallagher gets into every single other team. Not Man City.” Andy Robertson: “We need players without fear and Ben’s certainly got that.”Harriett is the show’s Most Valuable Player, in fact, which has probably come as a bit of a shock to ITV, who would’ve clearly preferred Joey to be front and centre of everything, but have instead watched him become a marginalised and rather needy figure who’s been robbed of his Unique Selling Point.

But she never takes the hint and she’s now become the centre for nearly everything that passes for drama on Love Island as part of two love triangles involving Ciaran and Nicole and Jess and Ronnie.As well he might, given his foreplay dialogue, which even Mills & Boon would’ve rejected as “A bit much”.“And what was I doing?”Nothing, however, flags up this show’s true place in the grand scheme of things, and the general decline of Britain, more damningly than the sight of ITV introducing us to 15 new Islanders in the same week as the country is marking the 80th anniversary of D-Day.

Meantime, I shall be using talkSPORT’s brilliant Hawksbee and Jacobs show as my very own form of Helpline, which will be available to all those who’ve been affected by the issues raised by Scotland’s performance (Mon-Fri, 1pm to 4pm).(Actor sighs inwardly), (calls his agent).

A rum do

Clive Myrie clearly falling deeply in love with the idea of being famous. What a pity, though, that they forgot to make any of the characters likeable, which meant I gave not a toss what happened to any of them by the end of episode two.

And now?

GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. Saturday Kitchen Live, Matt Tebbutt: “Please welcome the extremely talented and very, very funny Paloma Faith.” But Netflix will get away with the deception because every virtue- signalling creep on the planet will be faking an orgasm over these scenes and patronising actress Nicola Coughlin with the phrase “real woman”, which is woke-speak for “You’re punching, luv”.C) Katrina and the waves?

And Springwatch, Iolo Williams: “Bearded tits are very difficult to see at this time of year.” And the brilliant performance of Benedict Cumberbatch, above, and the cast on Netflix missing child mini-series Eric.Soccer Aid, Dermot O’Leary: “Sam Thompson, so good, isn’t he?” And now what? BBC2’s Inside No9 bowing out in style with Robin Askwith and an On The Buses tribute.A) Megan and her beavers?THE Finish Line, Roman Kemp: “What part of the body can be referred to as baby blues?”

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TV quiz. What was the last element of Michaela Strachan’s question on Spring- watch: “Would you prefer to see Chris and his flies, Iolo and his badgers or . . . ”And I shall be following them all the way to inevitable glory in Berlin as they toy with the bewildered opposition until, like Roberto Duran when he could take no more humiliation from the great Sugar Ray Leonard, they simply raise their hands in surrender and beg: “No mas.”Although, truth be told, at the ripe old age of 33, Joey looks slightly more like the local parliamentary candidate than one of the contestants. For Penelope Featherington is no fairytale princess, she’s an odious little snitch.

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Try this one for sighs

Kyle: “Toes.”HARD to believe now, but three general elections ago, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg was fighting to be seen with “voice of a generation” Joey Essex.ON July 14, Scotland are due to be crowned European football champions 2024.For, with every other show he’s ever appeared on, Joey has been by far the most stupid person in the room, even on Educating Joey Essex, when he met Nick Clegg.Colin’s certainly lit a fire within, though, as they’d no sooner concluded their first entanglement than Penelope was begging him: “Can we do it again?”Colin wasn’t for saying and can’t.It turns out, though, he couldn’t and it’s not an act, so the Celebs Go Dating veteran has now been called upon to try to save Love Island XI, which has been giving off a massive whiff of desperation ever since the network made the idiotic decision to flood the market with two series every year back in 2020.All he needed to do, I thought, was grow up a bit and drop the idiot act.(Compiled by Graham Wray)Sarah-Hannah: “Rugby.”

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Channel 4’s The Fall: Skydive Murder Plot. Tommy Fury’s fresh-air swipe and Martin Compston totalling Jack Wilshere, at ITV’s Soccer Aid.Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Kenny Dalglish is a legendary Scottish international in which ball sport?”A clash that probably should’ve been avoided at all possible costs.Staring at the cold, hard future, Joey.

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Unexpected morons in the bagging area

It’s a rum old do, for sure, when Joey Essex is sounding like the Professor Brian Cox of the piece, and whatever benefits his presence may or may not have for the show, I can’t see it helping his own career, which came into sharp focus when Munveer said: “I met you years ago outside the burger van in Surbiton.”Your breasts? Your insurance premiums? Your Nectar points?BBC4’s Storyville, Copa 71: The Lost Lionesses, where every old interview seemed to have been cribbed from Harry Enfield’s classic: “Women: Know your limits” sketch.B) Gillian and her cockchafers?“Your eyes shine when you look at me, like two blue pools, the firmness of your lips, parted just so. The softness of your skin. And then there are . . . ”Doctor Who replacing storylines with empty and predictable left-wing political gestures.On Love Island, though, the phrase “intellectual colossus” is probably pushing it a bit but Joey’s quite often the voice of reason and even had to intervene in a debate, at the weekend, when it became apparent Mimii, Nicole and Sean all sincerely believed that “The earth is flat”.

Random TV irritations

Which is a good thing, in one sense, because the way his career was progressing, I was slightly worried Joey would end up hosting Question Time by the year 2024.And Michaela Strachan coming up with a new game on Springwatch: “How many faecal sacs can you get in your mouth at once?” ’Cos if she thinks she can talk more s**t than Chris Packham that way, she can think again.DURING the latest episodes of Bridgerton, Colin, of that ilk, has it off with the gobby one from Derry Girls accompanied, in brackets, by some of the least erotic captions ever screened on television.Roman Kemp: “In the rhyme, what did Georgie Porgie do to make the girls cry?”

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JOE COLE: “I’ve never seen anything like Trent’s range of passing from an England player. He reminds me of David Beckham.”The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which German religious reformer had daughters called Martha and Magdalena?” Jack: “The Pope.”ROBBIE WILLIAMS talking of himself in the third person at Soccer Aid.You’re looking for someone more like Dame Joan Bakewell, with a CBE and a Humanist of the Year award?Joey Essex, that is, not Nick Clegg.

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Great sporting insights

THIS week’s winner is French President’s wife Brigitte Macron and Dougal from The Magic Roundabout. Sent in by D Arnott, Leamington Spa.He’s just another gormless prong on Love Island.Yet here I am watching Nick Knowles In South America, on prime time.

TV Gold

In the very remote possibility, there is a hitch, I’ve also booked a flight home after the group games, so there is a remote chance the column could return on July 5. Well, you’re in for a big disappointment with: Samantha, Jess, Uma, Nicole, Mimii, the mental health nurse with “A history of being a crazy girlfriend”, and a spoilt little madam called Harriett, from Brighton, who claimed “Every morning my dad goes downstairs, puts some milk in my coffee and turns my car round the right way”, so it’s facing the cliff edge.Kyle: “Punch them.”But they didn’t and so, on the blokes’ side, I’m duty bound to tell you we have, at the time of writing: Joey, Ciaran, Ayo, Omar, Sean the invisible man and London lad Ronnie, who announced his arrival by declaring: “My type used to be blonde girls with massive boobs . . . ”

“(Both grunt lightly), (Penelope moans), (Penelope grunts and pants), (both pant softly), (whimpering), (Colin sighs).”

Lookalike of the week

However.